


Lost and found

by lessStress



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:14:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28259784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lessStress/pseuds/lessStress
Summary: Kyungsoo wants to let go of the past, but it calls him back one winter day.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Oh Sehun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	Lost and found

Kyungsoo wants to move out. There’s nothing wrong with his current apartment, per se. It’s an adequate one-bedroom unit, with clean, running water and an even floor. The rent is cheap, and the electric stove has never set the place on fire even after being left on multiple times. It’s not that Kyungsoo is happy with it all the time. The main window is facing south. He heard that it’s a layout unfitting for habitable spaces – too little daylight gets in, especially during some parts of the year. Kyungsoo, not quite understanding the concept, dismissed it as some fengshui nonsense. The place has four walls and a roof. What more could he want?

But he is left wanting still. He doesn’t understand where the discontentment came from. Non-sentient objects are not supposed to be  _ actively _ draining him from the inside out, even if it feels that way, and he wishes he could ignore it. Yet here he is, scouring through listings and wondering if any of these properties will lift whatever this is that is weighing on his chest.

Kyungsoo starts spending cold days outside, going from one building to another for inspections. He looks at officetels, and then chastises himself for being so indulgent, so needlessly luxurious. He checks out goshiwons, thinking that perhaps austerity is in order, that he should train his mind to be satisfied with a place that’s just enough to rest his body and do nothing else. But none of them seem to fit.

It’s a limbo that Kyungsoo finds himself in. He probably deserves it, he thinks. All the mistakes he made, all the ways he’d hurt others – this is his so-called karma. Or perhaps that’s just the sentimental part of him that sneaks its head out every now and then, trying to make a linear, coherent narrative of the events in his life. He knows there’s no reason or rhyme to any of it. Things happen, things end; life goes on. To want to make sense of it all is a human yet vain attempt.

Still, he believes this melancholy must be telling him something. The answer, he surmises, is probably right in front of him. He’s just not ready to face it. He doesn’t know if he ever will be.

🌨️

Kyungsoo meets another real estate agent one cold afternoon in front of a prospective building. Park Sunyoung flashes her teeth when she smiles, and it appears too peppy to be a mere customer service expression. She begins talking about the weather and season as they ride up the elevator. “Would you prefer to move in before the end of the year?” she asks.

The year is coming to an end. Kyungsoo didn’t notice. He is only getting used to the way seasons change when he’s alone. The passage of time doesn’t seem to matter anymore. It feels irrelevant, meaningless, and he’s just a speck on Earth living in cycles.

He once had a purpose. Maybe he could find it again. It could be a good idea, to make new memories, have a clean slate. Isn’t that why he’s doing this? “If I find a suitable place, yes.”

The apartment unit Sunyoung is showing is located at the end of the hallway. It is bright and clean, with white walls and a view of the neighbouring park. The trees are barren from winter now, but Kyungsoo can tell they will turn green come spring. A shade lays over the small balcony. “It’s north-facing,” Sunyoung supplies.

It’s unlike him to be so sure of something, so quickly. He tells Sunyoung he is considering his options and will be in touch soon. It may sound like a veiled rejection, but Kyungsoo doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. Sunyoung seems to believe him, at least, if her undeterred smile as she bids goodbye is anything to go by.

He keeps Sunyoung’s card in his wallet and looks around the apartment complex. The next block is a strip that boasts coffee shops and other stores. It’s buzzing with colourful lights and lively chatterings, all around holiday cheer.

Kyungsoo finds himself walking along the streets and entering a café at random, drawn by the warmth of the indoors and the brown of the wooden interior.

The café is part of a two-level bookstore. Kyungsoo isn’t much of a reader. He always says that unlike a certain somebody, he doesn’t have that kind of curious mind or great intelligence. He got into a mediocre university with great struggle, only to drop out after two semesters and swerve into a patisserie course.

Still, he used to visit bookshops regularly. Not for browsing – what he does is more of a stock-taking. Most of the time, he would find what he’s looking for. The paperback is nearly 400 pages, and Kyungsoo would find the moss green cover unexceptional were it not for Oh Sehun’s name printed in white letters. Kyungsoo knows little about evolutionary biology, but he’s well aware of the work Sehun put into the pages through so many nights up until the book hit shortlists for prizes in and out of the country. The rest is history. Just like they are.

Kyungsoo tenses up. The only thing tethering him to reality is the glossy cover on his fingertips. He’s distracted. All he came here for is a warm drink.

He drags his feet to the counter and spells out his order only above a whisper. It feels rather wasteful, he thinks, even if it’s only a few thousand won. But it’s been awhile. After what happened, Kyungsoo had resorted to self-discipline: only leaving the house for work and errands, eating his own cooking and doing stretches that could barely pass as exercise. Quite a bit of money was saved from all the hiding. In hindsight, perhaps he should have gone out more, if only to help overwrite the memories from their usual haunts so that he would stop seeing Sehun everywhere.

It’s wishful thinking, Kyungsoo knows. He lost count of how many times he mistook pale faces in the crowd for the scientist. And now he just stares ahead, waiting to be proven wrong again as a tall, slender man in the distance walks around the shelves.

For once, the man Kyungsoo is eyeing is looking back at him. Maybe Kyungsoo isn’t as subtle as he thinks. But the man is stepping his way, and the closer he gets, the further the chill runs on Kyungsoo’s spine.

Kyungsoo can walk away. He can tear his gaze and pretend not to recognise the man. But he can’t, because the man is Sehun. Longer hair and cheekbones that protrude more, but still Sehun. Smiling at him.

And it’s warm.

People may take one look at Oh Sehun and decide that he’s not one to give others his time of day, but Kyungsoo knows nothing could be further from the truth. Everything Sehun couldn’t express with words or countenance he says with a gentle tug, an embrace, a dinner invitation, a head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder as they watch yet another TV show. Despite Kyungsoo’s best effort to build a safe, predictable routine to lean back on, nothing is as warm, as comforting as these recollections, where his mind would always wander and return to at the end of the day.

A lump rises to his throat, and he could neither move nor respond when the person in front of him speaks.

“Hey, Kyungsoo-hyung.”

🌨️ 🌨️

Kyungsoo would like to think he’s recovered, somewhat. He’d been stunned still in front of the takeaway counter, only pulled out of his daze when the barista called his name for the third time.

Sehun is here, sitting next to him on a park bench, no longer a figment of his imagination. It’s hard to look right at him now. From the glances that Kyungsoo steals, Sehun probably feels the same way. He notices the slight tremble of the hands, the pursed lips, the sunken cheeks. Kyungsoo knows Sehun doesn’t have much of an appetite. He liked having dinner together for the company rather than the food. Perhaps they should have gone out for a meal, but Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he’s company Sehun would want anymore.

“How have you been?”

“I’m okay.” Sehun gazes at the ground. “Been busy with work, is all. How about you?”

Kyungsoo thinks of the cracking paint on his bedroom wall. “I’m moving,” he blurts. “To that building nearby.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to make of the tautness lining Sehun’s jaw. The younger’s face has really gotten gaunt. “Don’t forget to eat. It’s easy to get sick in this weather.”

Sehun huffs out a laugh so quiet that Kyungsoo nearly misses it. He can’t tell what’s funny – too preoccupied by the sight of Sehun’s bare hands, uncovered by gloves, shivering against the breeze.

“I won’t keep you for too long,” Sehun mutters. “There are just some things I’d like to tell you.”

Dread fills Kyungsoo like cold liquid. The last time he heard something like this from Sehun, it ended in a fight that prompted the younger to leave. No more texts or phone calls or unannounced yet welcome visits to his shabby apartment. Kyungsoo hasn’t reached out since, because he understands. The full knowledge of his mistakes sent him bawling in his room one evening. But he endured, he made it through, and he’s better now even if he’s never the same. What is he afraid of anymore?

“I’ve been thinking a lot.” Sehun wrings his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For how I left.”

The picture pushes past the crevices of Kyungsoo’s mind, even as he tries to block it all off.

“I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean.” Sehun’s gaze is fixed between his own shoes. “I didn’t know it then, but I understand now. It’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.”

Sehun takes a deep breath. “I used to question myself, why aren’t I enough for you? Why am I no longer someone you want?” He laughs. “I grew to resent you because I couldn’t figure out what it was that I did wrong. Where it all went haywire. I knew I was lacking in a lot of things, but I-“ he swallows. “Only after I’m on my own can I really see it. You’re not looking for something better. You’re looking for something different.”

Kyungsoo thinks he must have misheard all of that. But Sehun finally turns to him. “The least I could do was leave. But you didn’t deserve the harsh words I gave you.”

“Sehun.”

Sehun lowers his head, mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally resorts to a smile. “I should go.” It doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I… Call me if you need anything, hyung. I promise I will pick up.”

It is only when Sehun stands up and starts walking away that Kyungsoo’s body finally catches up with his brain. The name rolls out of his mouth.

“Sehunnie.”

The person being called flicks back, startled by the use of the nickname. It’s too much, having the younger’s gaze on him, and Kyungsoo can feel air escaping his lungs. But he soldiers on.

“You’ve always been enough for me.”

Sehun is frozen, looking back at him.

“I never wanted anything better or different.” The steadiness of Kyungsoo’s voice finally falters. So much for holding it in.

There’s a strain in Sehun’s eyes, as though a glass wall stands between them. “What do you want, then?”

Kyungsoo presses his lips in a tight line. The word is hanging at the tip of his tongue, but it’s hard to let it out after all this time. “I don’t want to be selfish.”

Sehun sighs, breath forming a smoke in the cold air. “That’s not what I asked.” It’s soft and patient. It’s embarrassing.

But it feels like home, and it pulls something out of Kyungsoo. He gets up and reaches for Sehun’s hands, enveloping them in his own. The fingers are thin and bony. “You’re so cold.”

“Hyung.” Sehun takes one of his hands from the hold. As it reaches Kyungsoo’s face, it only occurs to him that his cheeks are wet.

The realisation blurs his vision even more, and he cries into Sehun’s coat once the younger pulls him into an embrace. It’s embarrassing how mature Sehun has turned out, how much he’s grown, how much Kyungsoo is leaning on him right now.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo holds on to his jacket for dear life. “I really am.”

The arms wrapping around him only turn tighter, with one hand slowly running over his back.

In the frosty weather of midwinter at the park, Kyungsoo staggers his way home.

🌨️🌨️

Sunshine streams past the barren twigs and branches to illuminate the living room. The light glistens on Sehun’s skin, making it even more difficult for Kyungsoo to focus on the tea he’s preparing.

“The view is beautiful.”

“Huh? Yeah, I suppose so.” Kyungsoo wonders if he’s imagining the way Sehun is staring at him, but quashes the thought in favour of taking the cups to the table. It takes some getting used to, being back in Sehun’s vicinity, once again sharing the same space, even after a few meetings since that day. Having Sehun as the first guest to his new place doesn’t help. As much as Kyungsoo has dreamed of this, a part of him wants to cower. “The agent said it’s north-facing.”

Sehun stirs his cup absent-mindedly. “Is that why you moved here?”

“I, uh, I guess so. It was all on a whim, really.”

“A whim,” Sehun repeats, chuckling.

“What?”

“It’s just,” Sehun replies, “I thought you might have moved in with somebody.”

“That-“ A wave of shock passes through Kyungsoo. “No. It never crossed my mind.” At least not on his part. Throughout their meals and movies Kyungsoo wondered what they were doing exactly. Maybe Sehun felt sorry about letting him down. Maybe another person was in the picture. Kyungsoo delights in Sehun’s presence, in his stories about school and research and upcoming books. But could they leave things unsaid anymore? “What about you?”

“I met some people.”

Kyungsoo should have known. “I see.”  _ Of course- _

“None of it felt right,” Sehun interrupts his train of thought, putting down the spoon in the cup, “because they weren’t you.”

Kyungsoo blinks, feeling lightheaded. “What?”

“Do you get it now?” Sehun whines, barely able to hold back his smile. “How much more obvious do I have to be?”

It brings a laugh out of Kyungsoo’s chest, prickling through the heavy fog. “There are a lot of things that I still don’t know,” he says. “The thing you said the other day – it’s me who’s lacking.” 

It has Sehun shaking his head. He takes Kyungsoo’s hand and intertwines their fingers together, a teasing smile on his lips. “Because I’m such a good person, I will tell you all the things you may not know. Even the most embarrassing ones.” The touch is light and tremulous, and his voice turns faint. “Will you do that too? Tell me anything that’s on your mind?”

Kyungsoo nods, entranced by how well their hands fit each other, how warm Sehun feels now. It’s here, it’s finally within his grasp. 

So he utters the plea ringing in his head. “Stay with me tonight?”

Sehun beams, and Kyungsoo is once again reminded of how much joy those crinkled eyes bring him. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Kyungsoo squeezes the younger’s hand, basking in the warmth and hoping that soon he will be brave enough to ask Sehun to stay forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on [Tumblr](https://ieatbrownie.tumblr.com/post/638285041342005248/lost-and-found) as part of a gift exchange.
> 
> Find me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/lessstress4).


End file.
